If it's leather, it doesn't matter if it looks like a foot ball player's protective underwear.

If I had 288 dollars to spend on anything my wrinkled heart pleased, what is the first thing that would pop into my brain to spend it on? This wonderful hat with a chin strap from OAK of course! Not only does it bring back my days of braces and watching my stylish sibling wear plastic head gear to bed, it can also be doubled as a ski mask to potentially use while robbing the local public bathroom of it's toilet paper supply! And the best part about it is the chin strap! This sucker isn’t gonna fly off on your morning run! It is a jack of all trades! And all for this reasonable price! Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

Roughage is to fiber as Brazilian is to Pineapple

As I sit here on the ground at Concourse B, Gate 15 at the Denver International Airport, preparing to ascend to Liberty Mountain, I am bloated. I think this is because I decided to eat before 10 pm today which was the best idea I have ever had in my little walnut head! I am hapsters because I just spoke to my Brazilian bombshell sister who is eating pasta and having potatoes on top because she can have 5,000 calories in one setting and her spanking amazing bod will not be affected, while meanwhile the t-rex is still bloated from eating a salad for lunch. This choice of foods was an attempt by me, myself and Perez to regulate my system because my doctor said I should eat more fiber. Little does this Dr. Phil know that I eat the most fiber out of all the little nuggets who live on Liberty Mountain. Imma be honest. peace be with you.

Crisco is my Disco

I am not generally much of an animal lover because they smell like nast from the past but I have recently come to the conclusion that my different hairstyles have always resembled a breed of animal, or animal bi-product such as lard or Crisco. For example, once upon a time, I wanted a short pixie cut.

This to my hair stylist, meant disgustia hence transforming the little tiff into a hyena.

Bang.Naturally, this translated into giving me a crew cut. Another unfortunate hair cut I got, was when I tried to go for the edgy look ,and I came out looking like a gay pride llama.

Another unfortunex chop chop was when I just wanted a little trim and I came out looking like a little baby bird.

Holla spanx.

The Waltz of the Leprechauns.

I have recently noticed that some people look like living fossils. On a horizontal note, I had to take a driving test the other day for work and while everyone else got to drive a decent sized van, I had to drive a van that was practically the size of a tow truck. holla. As I was taking this driving test, since there was no passenger seat in the van for reasons that are not obvious to the naked eye, my driving instructor had to sit in the very back of this 12 passenger van as he was grading my psychotic skills. This posed a problem in two areas. 1.) I had to yell "blinker!" every time I put on my blinker because my instructor was in the very back seat for some odd reason and he could not hear the actual blinker. 2.) my driving instructor being seated in the very back blocked the only spot that I could actually see through my rear view mirror because 99% of this van was blind spots. The fact that I did not die during this test is little bit unnerving, however I have just passed it off as my luck and me being a leprechaun.

a second in the life of tiffany is analogous to a second in the life of an hamster. We both feast on sun flower seeds and we both exercise by spinning around in our cage wheel making beached whale noises. Today I found out among other things that uno means one in Spanish not two as I thought. I also found out from my Dr. Suess that I am allergic to anything with soy in it. Holla! my readers have no idea how convenient this is considering the fact that i live in Japan and everything has soy in it including the people of japan . A few weeks go, i was on a health protein, power bar kick and I found out that that consists of soy concentrate. oopsy poopsy! my sister figure who is also my sister is not allergic to soy, and has a perfect thyroid unlike me. my thyroid is dying because i eat soy because i was raised in Japan. PiNg ChowW

EW does not even begin to describe it.

When Seniors were the only collegians lining up to take their pictures for the Class of 2010 yearbook, My dad convinced me that I should have my picture taken also, to be one of the five oblivious freshman out of a school of 12, 000 to think they were important enough to be in the stupid thing. When I arrived at my photographers little studio cubby, she asked me if I was a BS or a BA. I asks her "What is a BS, and what is a BA," personally i thought they meant bull **** and bad ***. As if it wasn't bad enough for me to know whether I m going to school for  Bachelors of science degree or  Bachelors of Arts degree, the photographer lady stared putting a gold robe on me. Before I knew what was happening she put a graduation cap in me and took a few dozen shots in various different poses. As I was leaving, I finally realized what had just happened. I had my senior portraits taken even though I was a first semester freshman. There is no way in Kentucky fried ding dong I am going to buy that year book because i guarantee you I will be the only one on the freshman class page sporting a cap and gown looking all proud for a degree I have yet to earn. Shoot I didn't even know what my degree was!