If it's leather, it doesn't matter if it looks like a foot ball player's protective underwear.

If I had 288 dollars to spend on anything my wrinkled heart pleased, what is the first thing that would pop into my brain to spend it on? This wonderful hat with a chin strap from OAK of course! Not only does it bring back my days of braces and watching my stylish sibling wear plastic head gear to bed, it can also be doubled as a ski mask to potentially use while robbing the local public bathroom of it's toilet paper supply! And the best part about it is the chin strap! This sucker isn’t gonna fly off on your morning run! It is a jack of all trades! And all for this reasonable price! Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

Roughage is to fiber as Brazilian is to Pineapple

As I sit here on the ground at Concourse B, Gate 15 at the Denver International Airport, preparing to ascend to Liberty Mountain, I am bloated. I think this is because I decided to eat before 10 pm today which was the best idea I have ever had in my little walnut head! I am hapsters because I just spoke to my Brazilian bombshell sister who is eating pasta and having potatoes on top because she can have 5,000 calories in one setting and her spanking amazing bod will not be affected, while meanwhile the t-rex is still bloated from eating a salad for lunch. This choice of foods was an attempt by me, myself and Perez to regulate my system because my doctor said I should eat more fiber. Little does this Dr. Phil know that I eat the most fiber out of all the little nuggets who live on Liberty Mountain. Imma be honest. peace be with you.

Crisco is my Disco

I am not generally much of an animal lover because they smell like nast from the past but I have recently come to the conclusion that my different hairstyles have always resembled a breed of animal, or animal bi-product such as lard or Crisco. For example, once upon a time, I wanted a short pixie cut.

This to my hair stylist, meant disgustia hence transforming the little tiff into a hyena.

Bang.Naturally, this translated into giving me a crew cut. Another unfortunate hair cut I got, was when I tried to go for the edgy look ,and I came out looking like a gay pride llama.

Another unfortunex chop chop was when I just wanted a little trim and I came out looking like a little baby bird.

Holla spanx.

The Waltz of the Leprechauns.

I have recently noticed that some people look like living fossils. On a horizontal note, I had to take a driving test the other day for work and while everyone else got to drive a decent sized van, I had to drive a van that was practically the size of a tow truck. holla. As I was taking this driving test, since there was no passenger seat in the van for reasons that are not obvious to the naked eye, my driving instructor had to sit in the very back of this 12 passenger van as he was grading my psychotic skills. This posed a problem in two areas. 1.) I had to yell "blinker!" every time I put on my blinker because my instructor was in the very back seat for some odd reason and he could not hear the actual blinker. 2.) my driving instructor being seated in the very back blocked the only spot that I could actually see through my rear view mirror because 99% of this van was blind spots. The fact that I did not die during this test is little bit unnerving, however I have just passed it off as my luck and me being a leprechaun.

a second in the life of tiffany is analogous to a second in the life of an hamster. We both feast on sun flower seeds and we both exercise by spinning around in our cage wheel making beached whale noises. Today I found out among other things that uno means one in Spanish not two as I thought. I also found out from my Dr. Suess that I am allergic to anything with soy in it. Holla! my readers have no idea how convenient this is considering the fact that i live in Japan and everything has soy in it including the people of japan . A few weeks go, i was on a health protein, power bar kick and I found out that that consists of soy concentrate. oopsy poopsy! my sister figure who is also my sister is not allergic to soy, and has a perfect thyroid unlike me. my thyroid is dying because i eat soy because i was raised in Japan. PiNg ChowW

EW does not even begin to describe it.

When Seniors were the only collegians lining up to take their pictures for the Class of 2010 yearbook, My dad convinced me that I should have my picture taken also, to be one of the five oblivious freshman out of a school of 12, 000 to think they were important enough to be in the stupid thing. When I arrived at my photographers little studio cubby, she asked me if I was a BS or a BA. I asks her "What is a BS, and what is a BA," personally i thought they meant bull **** and bad ***. As if it wasn't bad enough for me to know whether I m going to school for  Bachelors of science degree or  Bachelors of Arts degree, the photographer lady stared putting a gold robe on me. Before I knew what was happening she put a graduation cap in me and took a few dozen shots in various different poses. As I was leaving, I finally realized what had just happened. I had my senior portraits taken even though I was a first semester freshman. There is no way in Kentucky fried ding dong I am going to buy that year book because i guarantee you I will be the only one on the freshman class page sporting a cap and gown looking all proud for a degree I have yet to earn. Shoot I didn't even know what my degree was!

POww

the days of exams, where children scream with glee and collegiates tinkle nervous pee. Well my first exam week of college was definitely a huge success. I was only an hour late to my speech final and my phone only went off two times to the tone of Bon Jovi's "Have a Nice Day" during the part of the exam that I was present. Oh, and today I went swimming at the school gym and this kid moses asked me if I was the girl in the pool so I was like yea, and then he preceded to talk about how he sucks at swimming and so I decided to thrown in a little self depreciating "I suck at swimming too," and to that Moses replied, I'm not gonna lie and say you looked good out there. And right after that slam bam he asked me what I was doing tonight so I was like I'm going home to my parents. POwW.

For all you sentimentalists out there, I have a parody song lyric for you from the song "I will be right there waiting for you," by Bryan Adams. I think the song title is creepy in as of itself, but i digress. So my new and improved lyrics to the song go,

"whatever you say, whatever you do, I will be right there pooing on you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, there is no way I'm talking to you."

Now I know as a fact within my soul bed that my readers are in tears right now, and probably slightly drunk, but that is all, and all is well.

oh and this is beckham with my face as a tattoo. I think it's class and sass in a bottle of water.

SO to williamsburg we traveled. on this wonderous trip our car door actually fell off our vehicle, on to the ground, we got stopped by a police vehicle undercover as a black honda, and me and my sister were harrased by a 60 year old pedi at sheetz.

Dear readers.

My birthday has been average so far. Me and my family celebrated my birthday feast style at Ruby Tuesdays and my skinno skinno Broseph Titus ordered nothing. ANd I got vanilla ice cream for free at Ruby's except I hate vanilla. CELEBREX. After that we went to startbucks and I was the only one who had anything. But wait! there's more, I got a hole in my white skirt that I wore to din din .

Today was the first day of the march for WAVBKFDD's(woman angainst Vera Bradley Kentucky Fried Ding Dong's). I was planning on attending the march following my afternoon class, but I tripped on my Crocs and twisted my vertibre only to slither down the side walk with my deformed face. Crocs are uggers, and now, so is my face.

I woke up and my eyes were super gigantica so I captures it on candid camera.

Since every stinking Kentucky fried idiot seems to be getting engaged, I decided to have a little engagement ceremony of my own. It was Epicurious. As the tears rolled down my cheek in utter emotional jubilee, I committed my life to taking care of my son Broseph. Broseph is my phone and he is super naughty. Many have asked me how did you come up with the spankin' hott chocolate name and I have answered with utter contempt at their idiocricy that it was naturally the most attractive name I could think of.